We got our first foster care placement. It was exactly as I thought it would be, but in the same breath it was nothing like I thought it would be. I can't even begin to express the emotions that I have gone through and I am sure D has gone through over the last month. We took in a 2 year old girl and a 8 month old boy. Everyone says you will never forget your first placement. I am sure that the picture of that little girl walking up to my house will forever be engrained in my brain. My 5 year old taking her hand and immediately making introductions and showing her around the house was what we all needed, because Lord knows I had no idea what I was suppose to do. I sat at the table listening to the little bit that was known about their story and just feeling way more overwhelmed than I expected to feel. Then feeling terrified when the case worker pulled away from the house and knowing that I was now trusted to care for these little people like they were my own was more overwhelming and terrifying than bringing home my first baby from the hospital. There was so much I wish people had told me about those first few weeks.
For example:
1. That you might not actually "like" the kid. I guess I assumed that I would have some sort of motherly instant like/love for the kids...... I had guilt for weeks over my lack of "like" for the child.
2. That surviving the first 2 weeks should seriously earn you a medal or maybe like a free meal at your favorite restaurant. When I say survive I mean SURVIVE. That is basically what I would call the first 2 weeks.. surviving.
3. That mourning your old life is normal and having feelings of "what have I done", "Why God did you chose me for this" and "Please Lord, take this cup from me" might not be normal but they definitely are not, not normal. I cried and still do cry ALOT.
4. I wish I had known how hard it would be to see and talk to their real parents. How I had a stomachache for weeks. I couldn't eat and the day of parent visitations I would be sick to my stomach. A month into this and it is now better. I am still terrified of giving the kids to their parents. Terrified that the scrape on her knee or the tan line will be a sign that we are not taking care of them properly.
5. Mostly I just feel clueless.
The days are so so hard. With 3 in diapers and doing school with 3 is hard. It is doable but both are full time jobs. D and I already have to remind ourselves why we are doing this.. almost nightly. Today D said that we might not get to do awesome vacation anymore and we might lead a very different life than we envisioned but we have to remember that one day we will be in paradise with Jesus and that will be the best vacation ever. That brings it all into perspective. Who cares about this life other than to live it in wild abandonment for Jesus. The man who gave his life for me is asking us to do the same for him. To love the least of these in all their messy, awfulness. To not spend this life being served but serving others. I read a quote the other day that my old high school principle posted on Facebook,
"Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things that don't matter." Dwight L. Moody.
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