Transformation

You ever experienced one of those "Ah Ha Moments?" I don't get them often but 7 months ago I had one.

I have always considered myself a Christian. I was raised Catholic and have always had a love/hate relationship with church. Growing up I hated it, I dislike the Catholic religion for many reasons and had a really hard time connecting.  Once my parents quit going, I church hoped with friends but never felt comfortable anywhere. I always felt like an outsider.  Looking back at my life I realize I was a 2%'er, I believed but never put in a whole lot of effort to really have that relationship with God. I wanted all the benefits but didn't "have the time" to sit in pray or read the bible.

Dylan and I have almost identical beliefs.  We talk about religion but it has never been the central part of our lives. We teach our kids but there too it was just the bare minimum.

Then 7 months pregnant I started bleeding at Smokey Mo's and my life changed. Now I know that there are people everyday that have there babies early. A 32 week old baby now a days is not a huge concern but it still turns your world upside down and scares the crap out of you. Being in a hospital room for almost 4 weeks by myself gave me more than enough time to start my relationship with God. Other than pump, feed/hold Claire I didn't have much else to do or anyone else to really talk to.  I didn't realize just how much I needed/wanted that relationship.

 I am a super control freak. I like things neat/ organized and on schedule and I like to do things myself. God changed all that. He transformed me during those 4 weeks in the hospital. Having to relinquish control to my Mom, MIL and husband was really hard. Being away from my older kids was hard. Watching my brand new baby get poked and having to trust people that I didn't know to take care of her when I wasn't there was hard.  I cried more in those 4 weeks than I probably had in my whole 28 years.  But it was worth it.

If I had to do it all over again, if I could chose to go back and either keep her in until she was due or to have the exact same thing happen I would chose the later. Everything happens for a reason and I am a better person for it. I feel like it made me a better more patient mom, I feel like my relationship with Dylan has gotten stronger and more importantly I finally feel like that relationship I have always heard about and wanted with God is happening. I know Dylan feels the same.

I now realize that I have no control and I never did. He has always been in control and up until that moment was just up there smiling at me, letting me think that I did. I am so excited for my family's future and to continue this journey.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for us, they worked in more ways than you know :)